Kids:
A few hours ago, I landed in Los Angeles, turned on my phone, and confirmed what you already know. Sony Pictures Television is replacing me as showrunner on Community, with two seasoned fellows that I’m sure are quite nice - actually, I have it on good authority they’re quite nice, because…
The giraffe joke is why the show needs this guy.
Doualy Xaykaothao: hard to spell, easy to look at. BABE!
I have wondered how to spell her name… I wasn’t even close!
Things that cannot screen for breast cancer and things that can.
And for those who are yelling about PP not doing mammograms, “screenings” are not just mammograms. ”Screenings” are also breast exams, which are the first line of defense. Those breast exams are done every time a woman has a pelvic exam, which she needs in order to get birth control or STI testing. Get it together. Semantics do not change the facts.
Note to readers: ”Yowza, this one is long, it is like the worst Christmas wish list ever. Going to take a different track on this one. I’ll just be snarky about each point in bold after the text of the actual Constitution.”
The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States; but all Duties, Imposts and Excises shall be uniform throughout the United States;
1. They said “duties.”
2. Right here, right now, mark it: The government has the right to collect taxes for the general Welfare. Welfare is right there in the sentence. Give me food stamps, it is in the Constitution!
To borrow Money on the credit of the United States;
1. Especially around the holidays.
To regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes;
1. This is the part that big government liberals love and the Tea Party steams over, you just read controversy and probably didn’t even notice. The question of Congress’s ability to regulate interstate trade is the fulcrum on which the levers of state are turning these days. The health care reform can claim legitimacy because health care markets cross state lines. Mining and manufacturing regulations, EPA, everything that makes us the world’s not-China… they all rely at least in part on this little clause.
To establish an uniform Rule of Naturalization, and uniform Laws on the subject of Bankruptcies throughout the United States;
1. Not really sure how naturalization and bankruptcies relate, but they had a lot on their plate and this was getting to be a long list so sometimes, like a high school band trip, you end up with roommates that don’t make sense.
To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures;
1. This is why my “Minnesota Goes Metric” campaign was doomed to failure from the start.
To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Securities and current Coin of the United States;
1. Nothing funny to say here. Moving right along…
To establish Post Offices and post Roads;
1. So the Post Office is mandated by the Constitution. George Washington fought and good men died so I can get those L.L. Bean catalog, even though I never bought anything from them and they go right into the recycling but I’m not ever sure if they can be recycled because they are that glossy paper so I really just throw them away half the time and I feel bad because I am sure there would be a way to get them to stop showing up if I went online or made a phone call but other things keep coming up and I also get a lot of phone books that I never use but they don’t come through the Post Office because they have a guy with a van that drops them off like ice cream treats but no music and no one rushes to greet him so it is not relevant to the topic at hand.
To promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts, by securing for limited Times to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries;
1. Copyright and patent protection, bitches. If you love the Constitution, you won’t download that new Kelly Clarkson campaign song for Ron Paul even if it is $1.29 at iTunes.
To constitute Tribunals inferior to the supreme Court;
1. Of course, no other tribunal has my Ruthie, so they are all inferior.
To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offences against the Law of Nations;
1. Ar!
To declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water;
1. There was a heated debate among the delegates as to if this covered thumb wars as well or if the traditional count to four would suffice. In the end they remained silent and it has divided this country down to this day.
To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years;
1. So yeah, they wanted to “support the troops” but only about as long as they wanted to support “Arrested Development.”
To provide and maintain a Navy;
1. Even back then politicians pandered to garner support. Without this assurance they would have lost the support of the Village People.
To make Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces;
1. Just to remind those feisty generals that the last two points did not constitute a blank check.
To provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions;
To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the Militia, and for governing such Part of them as may be employed in the Service of the United States, reserving to the States respectively, the Appointment of the Officers, and the Authority of training the Militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress;
1. A two-for one gloss over here… Militia. National Guard? Those guys out in the woods? Message board trolls? Tim McVeigh?
2. ”[P]rovide for calling forth the Militia…” I had no idea they had +3 shining armor and protection from ice attacks. Someone tell Gandalf.
To exercise exclusive Legislation in all Cases whatsoever, over such District (not exceeding ten Miles square) as may, by Cession of particular States, and the Acceptance of Congress, become the Seat of the Government of the United States, and to exercise like Authority over all Places purchased by the Consent of the Legislature of the State in which the Same shall be, for the Erection of Forts, Magazines, Arsenals, dock-Yards, and other needful Buildings;—And
1. They get to run D.C. as their personal fiefdom. Exciting. I bet they will set it up to be a shining city, a model to the world. They will never let it be touched by corruption or crack smokin’ mayors. They’ll never use it as a petty battle ground for pandering to single issue voters. It’ll be paradise.
2. It ends with an “And”! The penultimate phrase is in our rear view mirror and we are getting the money shot in 3… 2… 1…
To make all Laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into Execution the foregoing Powers, and all other Powers vested by this Constitution in the Government of the United States, or in any Department or Officer thereof.
1. Oh, that’s cool. ”We get these powers we listed and ANYTHING ELSE we need to make these happen. Oh, and ANYTHING ELSE we need to make any of the other stuff we talked about happening. Just to be clear, ANYTHING.”
All Bills for raising Revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with Amendments as on other Bills.
Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States: If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the Objections at large on their Journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such Reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the Bill, it shall be sent, together with the Objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a Law. But in all such Cases the Votes of both Houses shall be determined by yeas and Nays, and the Names of the Persons voting for and against the Bill shall be entered on the Journal of each House respectively. If any Bill shall not be returned by the President within ten Days (Sundays excepted) after it shall have been presented to him, the Same shall be a Law, in like Manner as if he had signed it, unless the Congress by their Adjournment prevent its Return, in which Case it shall not be a Law.
Every Order, Resolution, or Vote to which the Concurrence of the Senate and House of Representatives may be necessary (except on a question of Adjournment) shall be presented to the President of the United States; and before the Same shall take Effect, shall be approved by him, or being disapproved by him, shall be repassed by two thirds of the Senate and House of Representatives, according to the Rules and Limitations prescribed in the Case of a Bill.
And we are back. Sorry for the long delay, had some life stuff going on. But that is boring compared to the ramblings of 18th century white men!
So this is the meat of the process, the sausage making, the horse trading. This is where our American government processes horse meat into our sausages. In face, horse slaughter for meat is something that has been banned by laws past just like was described here, and then made legal again. Kooky America.
So the President can advocate for any law he pleases, but he is powerless to introduce anything. The Congress—specifically the House if it is a taxing bill—has to start the party. They pass stuff and then the President just gets to go along to get along or cock block the passage.
Of course, it don’t end there… oh, no! There could be something that is hugely popular that the president doesn’t want to see happen, like an expose on Obama’s trips to Mars that I am hearing about. Well the Congress is full of “The X-Files” fans and they want to find the truth, so after Obama’s veto they can override it and the bill still becomes law.
And we all discover that “Total Recall” was a documentary.
So I found myself wondering the other day, obsessing really, on where the characters from Reality Bites would be today. Here are my thoughts:
Troy:
After a few years of continuing to drift from job to job, Troy went back to school and finished his degree and got his teaching certificate. Finally, he ended up teaching music at a private school in suburban Houston. He has developed a whispered reputation for carrying on affairs with students and heavy drinking.
Lelaina:
She bounced from start up to start up in the late 90s, creating content for websites. After the bubble burst, she moved back in with her parents for a few years. Finally, she gave up her last resistance and began working as a producer on a reality show that pairs overweight women with gay personal trainers, “Fatty and Catty.”
Vickie:
She finally got out of retail, mostly. Working as a receptionist at Planned Parenthood doesn’t pay that well, so she spends a few nights a week working at a vintage furniture store. After briefly dating Michael, she has spent most of the last decade celibate and exploring Buddhism.
Sammy:
He’s an accountant now. Married (in California) to his boyfriend, also named Troy, and raising twins Troy’s sister carried for them. In his spare time, he has been working on a screenplay for a dozen years, about a group of friends in Houston in the early 90s.
Michael:
He made a fortune and transformed In Your Face into the home of lowest common denominator reality programming. While he was in Shanghai for talks on acquiring a Chinese language station he was hit and killed by a bus. His funeral was poorly attended.
In Greece we have a prime minister forced out not by the popular uprising on the streets that have plagued him for months. He is forced out by Europe’s large economies. In Italy a prime minister that weathered sex scandals and corruption trials is leaving office because their bond rate hit 7%.
In the united states we see government not just unpopular but despised by about four out of five people, tea party and occupy wall street seek new modes of more pure political action. We have republicans that put profits over people and democrats that do the same, just with different businesses.
Citizens united has increased the power of money and allows entrenched monied interests more easily sway the votes of voters who are more stressed and overwhelmed by day to day survival and distracted by omnipresent media.
Things look bad. Like pre world war two bad. Like great depression bad… End of the british empire bad…
More and more we have remote plutocrats using markets and finance to prop up and bring down governments—and they don’t even bother hiding it anymore.
